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I’ve tried a lot of things in the name of an ever-evolving sex life, from new positions<\/a> and sex toys<\/a> to communication tactics pulled from every side of the internet. And while none of them were exactly a waste, they were all solving the wrong problem. The real issue wasn’t what I was doing during sex; it was that I wasn\u2019t really present for it. Then I found somatic sexology<\/a>, a body-based practice that’s been gaining traction in wellness spaces for helping people get out of their heads and embody their pleasure in a deeper, more connected way. Trying somatic sexology is the first thing that actually changed the way I approach sex, and the basics are so simple it’s almost annoying. Ahead, a deep dive into what somatic sexology is and how it changed my sex life for the better.<\/p>\n While traditional sex and intimacy advice often focuses on the logistics of the bedroom or the psychology of attraction, somatic sexology shifts the focus to the nervous system. According to sex, love, and relationship coach Nathalie Gaglione<\/a> at The Embody Lab<\/a>, somatic sexology is the \u201cpractice of tuning into ourselves.\u201d <\/p>\n What we get when we combine sexology (the study of human sexuality) with intimate somatic work (body-based awareness) is a toolkit that goes deeper than the physical \u201chow-tos\u201d of better sex. Instead, we look at the nervous system, the brain, and the body all as guides, turning sex and pleasure into acts of listening to our bodies rather than just a destination we need to get to.\u00a0As the Pacific Center of Somatic Sexology<\/a> explains, the practice offers a way for people to develop a deeper understanding and connection with their bodies, sexual selves, and relationships.<\/p>\n Somatic sexology integrates anatomy, neurobiology, and trauma-informed touch to deepen the connection between your physical body and your sensual self. <\/strong>While tools like guided meditation<\/a> or yoga are valuable for practice on their own, this somatic sexology is designed to intentionally weave different modalities together at once to reclaim your desire. Essentially, where regular somatic work helps you feel safe in your body during the day, somatic sexology teaches you how to stay present and alive in your body through the vulnerability of sex<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n By focusing on what your body is feeling rather than how it looks, you can finally silence the “am I doing this right?” commentary running in the background. The Institute of Somatic Sexology<\/a> notes that this shift helps people move away from external performance and toward “the cultivation of internal authority,” where your own pleasure becomes the teacher.<\/p>\n Not only do you become more present in the sensations and feelings you\u2019re experiencing, but you become more attuned to the experience of your partner as well. Intimacy becomes an actual shared experience, which can make every sensation feel magnified because you aren’t filtered through layers of anxiety or the pressure of what\u2019s supposed to happen next. It also allows you to understand what you like<\/a> and what turns you on.<\/p>\n “93 percent of people reported that their sex life became a deeper source of pleasure after learning to integrate these somatic tools.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n When you\u2019re fluent in your body\u2019s language, it\u2019s much easier to recognize an authentic “yes” or a “no” in real-time. This is the key to mastering consensual communication with yourself. Once you can do that, sharing your boundaries in the bedroom<\/a> with a partner can be much easier.\u00a0<\/p>\n Working on a connection with your physical and mental self helps to improve your overall body image. The Embody Lab describes this as a process of “becoming a friend to your own physiology,” shifting the relationship with your body away from one of “objectification.” This ultimately allows you to feel safe in the sensations you\u2019re feeling without overthinking how you look, smell, or even taste in the moment.<\/p>\n I have a terrible habit of getting so caught up in my head when it comes to sex. As an intimacy coordinator and actor, I analyze how intimacy looks and translates so often that I catch myself analyzing myself in my own bedroom. It can be hard for me to truly let go during sex, even when I\u2019m really in the mood, and it sometimes leaves me feeling guilty and disconnected from my relationship. Knowing this, I have been looking for a method or technique to bring me out of my head, and when I came across Somatic Sexologist and Intimacy Coach Meaghan Palowsky<\/a>\u2019s TikTok series \u201cIntimacy Isn\u2019t What You Think\u201d<\/a>, I immediately wanted to try it.<\/p>\n Palowsky breaks down common misconceptions around sex and intimacy while sharing ways to incorporate somatic sexology into the bedroom. It turns out a lot of people find themselves overanalyzing during sex. Wanting to better connect my body and mind, I decided to try somatic sexology to see if it could help.<\/p>\n READ: I Stopped \u201cSpectatoring\u201d And My Sex Life Immediately Improved<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n After some research, I learned through the Somatica Method Curriculum<\/a> that somatic sexology could be accessed in a variety of ways, including performing a personal safety check, incorporating synchronized breathimg, and practicing sensate focus. Here is how each went when I tried them:<\/p>\n Before anything sexy even started, I did a full physical scan alone. Were my shoulders tense? Was my jaw tight? Was I thinking about the 5,000 things on my to-do list? The answer was yes to all three, and I realized that starting physical intimacy from a place of distraction and tension was my norm. Very rarely, if ever, have I allowed myself time to check in with myself in a dedicated way before sex. At first, this made me feel worse. I hated that there were so many things I was thinking about instead of my own or my partner\u2019s pleasure.<\/p>\n “I was shocked at how present I felt…. the experience was incredibly freeing and enjoyable.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n To cut that anxiety, I added a lavender essential oil to my diffuser, because I needed something sensory to actually put me in the room. Adding the scent made it feel more like I was closing a chapter and allowing my body to relax. Since then, adding lavender essential oil to my diffuser has become my pre-sex ritual<\/a>, signaling that it\u2019s time to relax and get intimate. That clear threshold between work and play, so to speak, has been super helpful.<\/p>\n Once I incorporated breathwork, things really started to click. I set up my room and started breathing alone, and once I felt tuned into myself, I invited my partner in. We took deep breaths together, in and out on counts of four, with the goal of bringing both of our nervous systems into a shared rhythm. At first, we were serious, then laughing, then serious again. It was silly and playful, and the connection I felt with him was genuinely electric. <\/p>\n I tend to get super self-conscious about how my body looks when things get hot and heavy, but since incorporating breathwork, I’ve been making a stronger effort to breathe deeper and match my partner\u2019s breath. It helps me forget how my body might look and really feel my pleasure in real-time. It\u2019s a piece of research that feels so \u201cduh\u201d now, but one that I wasn\u2019t utilizing at all before.<\/p>\n Finally, my partner and I practiced touching each other\u2019s bodies without needing to arrive at the endgame of orgasm. We started in a side-lying position<\/a> and really let our weight dip into the mattress. This felt easier after the deep breathing, and we naturally moved into touching each other. We weren\u2019t focusing on sex, but rather taking turns exploring each other\u2019s bodies with different pressures and types of touch. It was silly and soft, and sex came as a natural extension. We actually made out<\/a> for longer than we have in years, and it was such a fun experience. <\/p>\n I was shocked at how present I felt. My partner felt the same way, and I do think the pleasure was more intense. Whether it was because we combined these steps or because we genuinely connected with our bodies and minds in a deeper way before getting down and dirty, the experience was incredibly freeing and enjoyable.<\/p>\n Looking for more ways to connect with your partner? Try these tips for enhancing intimacy outside of the bedroom, too:<\/strong><\/p>\n The best part about somatic sexology is that you don\u2019t need a specialized studio or a mountain of equipment to start. If you are ready to move out of your head and into your senses, here are three ways to begin practicing as soon as tonight.<\/p>\n Before you jump right into sex, take five minutes alone to arrive in your body. Let yourself lie down in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and scan your body for neutral or pleasant sensations. Is there a soft breeze from a fan? The weight of a heavy blanket? This type of scan begins to strengthen the neural pathways<\/a> that allow you to feel pleasure when sex enters the picture.<\/p>\n After you finish your solo body scan, take some deep breaths to ground yourself. Try a guided breathwork (like this one<\/a>) or simply take deep breaths in a way that works best for you. If you want to invite a partner into the mix, sit facing each other and find a shared breathing rhythm. Start with a simple four-count inhale and exhale. It might feel a little “woo-woo” at first\u2014my partner and I definitely had a few giggles\u2014but stick with it. Within a minute or two, your nervous systems will actually start to sync up, moving you both from individual stress into a shared calmness.<\/p>\n “[Somatic sexology] helps people move away from external performance and toward ‘the cultivation of internal authority,’ where your own pleasure becomes the teacher.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n We tend to treat sex like a race toward a finish line, but somatic work is all about the journey. Slow down, and try moving at 10% of your usual speed. Whether you are touching yourself<\/a> or getting hot and heavy with a partner, take notice of the sensations you skip over. If you\u2019re with a partner, kiss them slower or longer. When we slow down the physical tempo, we give our nervous system the safety signal it needs to stay present and curious.<\/p>\n If sex comes as a natural extension after these steps, that\u2019s great! Intimacy and pleasure are unique to everyone, and what works for me won\u2019t necessarily work for you. Return to the first three steps as frequently as you need to or want to during sex, especially if you feel yourself getting into your head.\u00a0<\/p>\nWhat is somatic sexology?<\/h2>\n
What are the benefits of somatic sexology?<\/h2>\n
It helps you quiet your inner critic<\/h3>\n
It allows you to be more present<\/h3>\n
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It makes setting boundaries easier<\/h3>\n
It helps you become more comfortable in your own skin<\/h3>\n
Why I wanted to try somatic sexology<\/h2>\n
My experience with somatic sexology <\/h2>\n
Incorporating a personal safety check<\/h3>\n
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Adding breathwork<\/h3>\n
Focusing on sensate touch<\/h3>\n
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How to try somatic sexology<\/h2>\n
1. Scan your body <\/h3>\n
2. Introduce breathwork<\/h3>\n
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3. Slow everything down<\/h3>\n
4. Let yourself transition into sex<\/h3>\n
Does somatic sexology work? <\/h2>\n
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