I’ve tried a lot of things in the name of an ever-evolving sex life, from new positions and sex toys to communication tactics pulled from every side of the internet. And while none of them were exactly a waste, they were all solving the wrong problem. The real issue wasn’t what I was doing during sex; it was that I wasn’t really present for it. Then I found somatic sexology, a body-based practice that’s been gaining traction in wellness spaces for helping people get out of their heads and embody their pleasure in a deeper, more connected way. Trying somatic sexology is the first thing that actually changed the way I approach sex, and the basics are so simple it’s almost annoying. Ahead, a deep dive into what somatic sexology is and how it changed my sex life for the better.
What is somatic sexology?
While traditional sex and intimacy advice often focuses on the logistics of the bedroom or the psychology of attraction, somatic sexology shifts the focus to the nervous system. According to sex, love, and relationship coach Nathalie Gaglione at The Embody Lab, somatic sexology is the “practice of tuning into ourselves.”
What we get when we combine sexology (the study of human sexuality) with intimate somatic work (body-based awareness) is a toolkit that goes deeper than the physical “how-tos” of better sex. Instead, we look at the nervous system, the brain, and the body all as guides, turning sex and pleasure into acts of listening to our bodies rather than just a destination we need to get to. As the Pacific Center of Somatic Sexology explains, the practice offers a way for people to develop a deeper understanding and connection with their bodies, sexual selves, and relationships.
Somatic sexology integrates anatomy, neurobiology, and trauma-informed touch to deepen the connection between your physical body and your sensual self. While tools like guided meditation or yoga are valuable for practice on their own, this somatic sexology is designed to intentionally weave different modalities together at once to reclaim your desire. Essentially, where regular somatic work helps you feel safe in your body during the day, somatic sexology teaches you how to stay present and alive in your body through the vulnerability of sex.
What are the benefits of somatic sexology?
It helps you quiet your inner critic
By focusing on what your body is feeling rather than how it looks, you can finally silence the “am I doing this right?” commentary running in the background. The Institute of Somatic Sexology notes that this shift helps people move away from external performance and toward “the cultivation of internal authority,” where your own pleasure becomes the teacher.
It allows you to be more present
Not only do you become more present in the sensations and feelings you’re experiencing, but you become more attuned to the experience of your partner as well. Intimacy becomes an actual shared experience, which can make every sensation feel magnified because you aren’t filtered through layers of anxiety or the pressure of what’s supposed to happen next. It also allows you to understand what you like and what turns you on.
“93 percent of people reported that their sex life became a deeper source of pleasure after learning to integrate these somatic tools.”
It makes setting boundaries easier
When you’re fluent in your body’s language, it’s much easier to recognize an authentic “yes” or a “no” in real-time. This is the key to mastering consensual communication with yourself. Once you can do that, sharing your boundaries in the bedroom with a partner can be much easier.
It helps you become more comfortable in your own skin
Working on a connection with your physical and mental self helps to improve your overall body image. The Embody Lab describes this as a process of “becoming a friend to your own physiology,” shifting the relationship with your body away from one of “objectification.” This ultimately allows you to feel safe in the sensations you’re feeling without overthinking how you look, smell, or even taste in the moment.
Why I wanted to try somatic sexology
I have a terrible habit of getting so caught up in my head when it comes to sex. As an intimacy coordinator and actor, I analyze how intimacy looks and translates so often that I catch myself analyzing myself in my own bedroom. It can be hard for me to truly let go during sex, even when I’m really in the mood, and it sometimes leaves me feeling guilty and disconnected from my relationship. Knowing this, I have been looking for a method or technique to bring me out of my head, and when I came across Somatic Sexologist and Intimacy Coach Meaghan Palowsky’s TikTok series “Intimacy Isn’t What You Think”, I immediately wanted to try it.
Palowsky breaks down common misconceptions around sex and intimacy while sharing ways to incorporate somatic sexology into the bedroom. It turns out a lot of people find themselves overanalyzing during sex. Wanting to better connect my body and mind, I decided to try somatic sexology to see if it could help.
READ: I Stopped “Spectatoring” And My Sex Life Immediately Improved
My experience with somatic sexology
After some research, I learned through the Somatica Method Curriculum that somatic sexology could be accessed in a variety of ways, including performing a personal safety check, incorporating synchronized breathimg, and practicing sensate focus. Here is how each went when I tried them:
Incorporating a personal safety check
Before anything sexy even started, I did a full physical scan alone. Were my shoulders tense? Was my jaw tight? Was I thinking about the 5,000 things on my to-do list? The answer was yes to all three, and I realized that starting physical intimacy from a place of distraction and tension was my norm. Very rarely, if ever, have I allowed myself time to check in with myself in a dedicated way before sex. At first, this made me feel worse. I hated that there were so many things I was thinking about instead of my own or my partner’s pleasure.
“I was shocked at how present I felt…. the experience was incredibly freeing and enjoyable.”
To cut that anxiety, I added a lavender essential oil to my diffuser, because I needed something sensory to actually put me in the room. Adding the scent made it feel more like I was closing a chapter and allowing my body to relax. Since then, adding lavender essential oil to my diffuser has become my pre-sex ritual, signaling that it’s time to relax and get intimate. That clear threshold between work and play, so to speak, has been super helpful.
Adding breathwork
Once I incorporated breathwork, things really started to click. I set up my room and started breathing alone, and once I felt tuned into myself, I invited my partner in. We took deep breaths together, in and out on counts of four, with the goal of bringing both of our nervous systems into a shared rhythm. At first, we were serious, then laughing, then serious again. It was silly and playful, and the connection I felt with him was genuinely electric.
I tend to get super self-conscious about how my body looks when things get hot and heavy, but since incorporating breathwork, I’ve been making a stronger effort to breathe deeper and match my partner’s breath. It helps me forget how my body might look and really feel my pleasure in real-time. It’s a piece of research that feels so “duh” now, but one that I wasn’t utilizing at all before.
Focusing on sensate touch
Finally, my partner and I practiced touching each other’s bodies without needing to arrive at the endgame of orgasm. We started in a side-lying position and really let our weight dip into the mattress. This felt easier after the deep breathing, and we naturally moved into touching each other. We weren’t focusing on sex, but rather taking turns exploring each other’s bodies with different pressures and types of touch. It was silly and soft, and sex came as a natural extension. We actually made out for longer than we have in years, and it was such a fun experience.
I was shocked at how present I felt. My partner felt the same way, and I do think the pleasure was more intense. Whether it was because we combined these steps or because we genuinely connected with our bodies and minds in a deeper way before getting down and dirty, the experience was incredibly freeing and enjoyable.
Looking for more ways to connect with your partner? Try these tips for enhancing intimacy outside of the bedroom, too:
- 15 Whimsy Date Ideas That Feel Effortlessly Fun and Romantic
- 6 Expert-Backed Ways to Have a Healthier Relationship by the End of the Week
- Couples Who Follow the 2-2-2 Rule Are Proving to Have Happier, Healthier Relationships
How to try somatic sexology
The best part about somatic sexology is that you don’t need a specialized studio or a mountain of equipment to start. If you are ready to move out of your head and into your senses, here are three ways to begin practicing as soon as tonight.
1. Scan your body
Before you jump right into sex, take five minutes alone to arrive in your body. Let yourself lie down in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and scan your body for neutral or pleasant sensations. Is there a soft breeze from a fan? The weight of a heavy blanket? This type of scan begins to strengthen the neural pathways that allow you to feel pleasure when sex enters the picture.
2. Introduce breathwork
After you finish your solo body scan, take some deep breaths to ground yourself. Try a guided breathwork (like this one) or simply take deep breaths in a way that works best for you. If you want to invite a partner into the mix, sit facing each other and find a shared breathing rhythm. Start with a simple four-count inhale and exhale. It might feel a little “woo-woo” at first—my partner and I definitely had a few giggles—but stick with it. Within a minute or two, your nervous systems will actually start to sync up, moving you both from individual stress into a shared calmness.
“[Somatic sexology] helps people move away from external performance and toward ‘the cultivation of internal authority,’ where your own pleasure becomes the teacher.”
3. Slow everything down
We tend to treat sex like a race toward a finish line, but somatic work is all about the journey. Slow down, and try moving at 10% of your usual speed. Whether you are touching yourself or getting hot and heavy with a partner, take notice of the sensations you skip over. If you’re with a partner, kiss them slower or longer. When we slow down the physical tempo, we give our nervous system the safety signal it needs to stay present and curious.
4. Let yourself transition into sex
If sex comes as a natural extension after these steps, that’s great! Intimacy and pleasure are unique to everyone, and what works for me won’t necessarily work for you. Return to the first three steps as frequently as you need to or want to during sex, especially if you feel yourself getting into your head.
Does somatic sexology work?
To put it simply, yes, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. According to a study by the Somatica Institute, 93 percent of people reported that their sex life became a deeper source of pleasure after learning to integrate these somatic tools. People of all genders, ages, and sexual orientations shared that they are having fulfilling sex and are experiencing increased self-esteem, among other positive outcomes, after incorporating somatic sexology. Considering these tools are completely free to incorporate and pack such a punch for so many, I’d say they are well worth incorporating.
While I won’t follow every step perfectly every single time, these practices have earned a permanent spot in my rotation thanks to how free they made me feel both in my body and in the bedroom with my partner. A better sex life isn’t always about adding something complicated or even brand new. Sometimes, going back to the basics is enough to seriously benefit your sex life.
Sydney Cox, Contributing Sex & Relationships Writer
Sydney Cox is a Chicago-based writer and intimacy coordinator who is passionate about exploring the complexities of human connections and teaching readers to advocate for themselves. Sydney’s work has been featured in various publications, where they aim to foster open and honest conversations.
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